Guess What?! Adam Lives in China.

The Poo Stain Debacle

2009-05-10T07:14:00.000-07:00

The Poo Stain Debacle
A short memoir by Adam Matthews

Yesterday, I ran into Luke on his way out of the house. “Cleaning lady came and she left a big shit stain in your toilet.” I felt this was fabulous so I laughed. I thought, “ahhhhh Luke, you put a shit stain in my toilet.” I laughed. Laughed until, minutes later, I went to the bathroom. “Damn. There really is a shit stain.” Urinating on the stain did nothing. That night, I went to bed without flushing the toilet, to be sure the stench of pee would remind me of this deed the next morning.

It worked.

I awoke thinking nothing of the stain. I awoke early, with the light. For, you see, I went to bed early the night before. I had thought “I'm going to bed at 9 :30? I should be doing something.” I couldn't just sleep the night away. I like to do as much as possible in a day.

“This is unit nine of Pimsleur's Mandarin Chinese I. Listen to this conversation between Ms. Wang and Mr. Lee...” I slipped into a slumber I would awake from later at unit 15.

The smell of pee, stale pee. Greeted me. The sight was as I feared. The stain didn't stink. It only presented itself immeasurably deep. A black hole. A shit stain. In my toilet.

“I've got you now, stain.” The trap had been set. Brilliantly, I had swept down upon the stain, placing on it a single square of Chinese toilet paper. The wicking action brought the pee, cleansing, cleansing pee. If I only leave the pee on the poo. Pee is the anti-poo. A number one to the number two.

I have not been flushing my toilet. This is true. I come up with excuses not to flush my toilet. Secretly I welcomed this new challenge. I can't flush my toilet if it's not going to get rid of the poo stain. What a waste that would be! “Water shortage is very serious in Dalian. Please save and save and save.”

Adam saves.

About 1 hour ago I stood up. I had been drinking a few beers. The beers had me require the toilet. It wasn't the first time this had happened. I had just been down stairs. In fact. I had laid a deuce in that toilet, his toilet, in hope that I would leave a stain of my own. No.

The paper was saturated. Thank god for wicking. A death shroud. “This is the end, stain!” With that, the fury was unleashed. Brown streaks flowed into the toilet. Elation. But the stain remained.

In a way, I've come to accept the stain. And Luke, well, he didn't say it and neither did I, but at that moment, he and I were closer than we've ever been.

Goodnight, and god bless.

A Post

2009-03-20T00:17:00.000-07:00

The post should be of past adventures. Perhaps to regale with delicious detail. No.

Yesterday I went to get my teeth cleaned at the local Manjiatan dentist hole. As I parted ways with my good friend who had to get his ass wound packed. I felt as though I was entering a new world. A new world of Chinese dentistry. I was. The door was see through. I saw through it a woman. She had the worst teeth ever. I thought "damn, too bad she's in line before me. I'm going to have to wait forever." No! She was the dental assistant. She had 4 teeth, all of them sprouting, clustered, perpendicular to her gums. "Interesting."

I'm growing my moustache again.

As I crossed the threshold, I motioned to my teeth and said "cleaning?" The dentist (very nice teeth) smiled and motioned for me to sit in the chair. Did he know what I said? Was I really supposed to hang my dirty, old jacket next to the surgical masks? I squeezed into the chair and sat in an awkward, partially reclined dentist chair position. My neck not resting, rather strained, in line with my body. Finally the chair reclined to a position where I felt it was acceptable to lower my head onto the rest. Remote controlled sinks filled plastic cups. A quadratoothy grin acknowledged my impressed glance at such a contraption. She approached from the rear. Blue hair net. Creeping slowly over my nose. My nose? Why my nose? What the hell is happening here? Half my face in a blue shroud, the dentist appeared. "I think it's the dentist."

I couldn't see the tool. What was it? Was it a...suction thing! This I knew. Then came the sandblasting. I'm not sure what was in the sandblasting thing but I just searched dental sandblasting and didn't find anything of worth. This was why the blue cap was used. It was a flying grit from the thing shield. My teeth got a thorough blast of odd tasting grit followed by the most ear destructing noise I've ever heard. It was like a wealthy Chinese man scraping his pinky down a thousand chalkboards on my tooth while pulling at his mole hairs. Then, silence. The world ceased to be blue. A tiny mirror was passed to me. I looked at my teeth. They looked the same as before. I nodded a smile that they looked fantastic and my shameless dental assistant friend glowed a big one back at me. It had been about 6 minutes since I arrived at the dental clinic.

I removed 100 yuan (~18CAD) from my pocket, got a tiny piece of paper in return.

I've been noticing that my teeth are not as white as the people around me. I would never have noticed such a thing had it not been for those damn teeth whitening advertisements. This was part of my desire to go for a cleaning. That and the 3 years since the last time I walked into a dental clinic. I don't think it was worth my hard earned people's currency. Perhaps next time I'll venture into the big city.

Golden Deer rode last weekend and will ride again this Sunday. I took Muffy in to the mechanic. I bought her a few gifts and she now sits pretty with a new muffler (one solid weld - we'll see if she can throw that beast), motorcycle spokes, K&N air filter (fingers crossed), a fixed pedal crank, better brakes and new tires. She's the prettiest bike in the world. JinLu goes for costume fitting this weekend as well. OMG excited!!N!!B

I had forgotten the badassery of riding that bike. It's hard to believe that Muffy's 80ccs could out badass Esmirelda's 750 but she does it. It's been really hard without her. Muffy's coming home. Dear sweet Muffy.

My parents show up on Wednesday.

Malaysia Tomorrow

2009-01-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

I leave for vacation tomorrow. It's been a tumultuous, trying time at the ol' workplace. Not really. Alliteration.

Turns out my camera is broken. Good old Cannon. It's aluminum case wasn't enough to protect the screen from fracturing. It still takes pictures but I can't mess with it anymore. Is it on Manual? Auto? Who knows? How will this affect my pictures? The funny thing is I haven't used the camera for a couple of weeks. I think the cleaning lady broke it. She breaks and or steals everything. Mostly just hiding it around the house in strange places. It's a wonder we don't get rid of her.

I saw my first ballet. A Russian ballet company's version of Swan Lake. I have come to the conclusion that ballet is very similar to porn. Not a lot of story driven by a plethora of physical prowess. I was interviewed after with some others about how we felt about the ballet and the venue. We liked it of course. I didn't mention porn.

Christmas, New Years. Both were great. Good times fuelled by spirits.

I played my first game of pond hockey as well. My stick was too short and right (I believe I'm left when it comes to hockey). My stats remained at the lower, non-existent part of the spectrum. I scored once, though. It may not have counted.

I am leaving tomorrow. I will see Sarah at some point, the end point, of this vacation. I'm excited. Have been looking up some diving opportunities. Looking good for advanced and some leisure time. I have no hotels booked and no flights booked beyond the way in. Should make for a new experience...I am also travelling with a crew - another new.

I'm done half of my first year of teaching and apparently it all goes much smoother from here on out. Can't complain about that. I get back from vacation to possibly get a new apartment, await the arrival of my parents, race my moped to Dandong and plan my next, next adventure.

Of Nightlife and JinLu

2008-11-23T04:42:00.000-08:00

It all started with a bang. A bang of bowling! I'm in a slump in my bowling of late. I really suck. Really really suck. I was one of the top team contributors early in the season but now I'm struggling to break 70 on occasion. At least the alley wasn't as hot last night. After the alley, we went looking for a delightful place for some refreshing beverages. The delightful beverages took a seat on the back burner as we ended up settling on a hair salon for some new dos. My haircut guy was wearing a Misfits zip-up sweatshirt. I asked him if he enjoyed the Misfits and he giggled, tilted his head down and took a step away. I think it may have been some secret Misfits nod.

We then headed to the Ruby. The former love of my life, who has left me for another man, was there. Foosball was played (Poland won again), drinks were drank, poles were danced upon and many "no. We have to go to Dalian in a few minutes," were said. The purpose of the night, you see, was to do it up in the big city for a few hours. After a few revolutions around the pole, greatly impressing the tantalizing, teacherly ladies hanging out upstairs, Dave, Luke and I managed to get in a cab. Destination: Dalian.

We refused the suggested 80 yuan as it seemed far too expensive. It wasn't. The meter racked up 84. The Shangrila hotel was pretty great. We listened to live jazz and drank delicious dark beer. Surprisingly, Dalian has a much more intriguing nightlife than Jinshitan. After stomping three beats on the kit at the bar it was time to head out again. There were Jaegerbombs and wrestling tips to be had. I even talked the lady down in price. Dave complained about my creation of the Jaegerbombs. Dave complains way too much about things that I am rather great at. The Jaeger place was quite interesting. A seedy little dive with a laid-back and entertaining bar lady with a fabulous command of the English language. I mainly think this because I haggled with her, was allowed to make the drinks and philosophized about the disrespectful nature of ladies who leave without paying for their drinks. Fabulous place all around.

Saturday was kung fu day. I learnt a lot of new stuff. If I can remember, I know about 6 stances and how to move around like a ninj...nay, Shaolin monk. I suppose that I know how a Shaolin monk is to move and I do a rather poor imitation. Rocked the golden bridge, too. Good times and then it was games and pizza with Golden Deer.

10 o'clock Sunday morning, Golden Deer met at the front gate, minus Luke. Had a balcony breakfast at Suzan. The last of the season? On Stan's advice, we headed over to the closed gas station on a short bit of dirt road. It was still closed so we came back, picked up Luke and hit the road at full strength. We rode the back roads out past DaLiSha(?) . The bikes performed flawlessly. A total of 30km perhaps 40. Was amazing. Highlights include aqueducts, donkey carts, very tight pants, angry gas attendants, road construction, beer breaks and one amazing ride.

Bike issues Sunday November 23, 2008: Muffy's engine started squeaking after some rather hard, fast riding while coming back to DMLIS. A little oil fixed that up well enough. Was a little less aggressive during the rest of the ride and a squeak was nary to be heard. Muffy also attempted to throw her sprocket. Zabadoo was in preparation as well. Something more to add to the list of things that can go awry. I have yet to get my one engine bolt replaced but she seems to be holding up well without.

Interesting side-note: of the 10 most recent photo albums on my computer, 7 of them are related to Golden Deer.

I was getting a nice little sickness a couple Mondays ago. I went out for some medicine. This involved some GuaSha (scraping) and some cupping. The whole experience was a bit painful and a bit complicated as it was supposed to only be guasha which apparently wasn't working. The cups were brought out to seal the deal. I still got progressively more and more sick but perhaps not a sick as I would have been. I decided to document the bruising process but stopped after 3 days. Didn't have the same dedication as my finger/toe nail jar back in Japan.

Misc.

2008-11-09T05:14:00.000-08:00

I've been a sad panda of late. The curly moustache has hidden the beast within. Sometimes better than others. Probably the best thing I have done with my moustache is figure out that it went well with my costume. I have removed it as my desire to have a zany moustache has wained. I went for the perv. stache but gave it the boot as I didn't really look John Waters enough. Just kind of normal. I need darker facial hair.

Halloween was good. Did the whole KaiFaQu thing and then on to Dalian. Ran into my students on the qing guay and then again at their final destination, Love Club. I was approached by a student on Monday that said, "Mr. Matthews, I saw your picture. Facebook. Friday night. Love club." I congratulated her. I guess that's the problem with teaching old high school students. (I've got a 22 year old in my Sc. 10 class) They are allowed in the clubs but are still completely lame and immature. They get all drunk and apologise the next Monday, though. Cute. Little do they know that we rarely notice or pay attention to their presence.

On a side note, I'd not recommend going to dance clubs with massive wings on your back. Most people tend to get angry and crumple up your wings and then Tom Jones has to unfurl your wings so you can enact revenge i.e. accidentally hit the people who just crumpled your wings in the face with your freshly minted wings. The Monarch truly is an evil man. The Monarch ran into another villain. One who was slightly more well known. Was it a desire for recognition that brought on the hostility? Does the Joker really look like the Crow? (Yes) It was probably the bucket. Once the bucket was on, the rest of the night was shrouded in darkness.

I hate my computer. I think the reason may be Vista. The problem is that I like MS Office better than OpenOffice so Ubuntu is out. I can't go back to XP. The taste of modernity that Vista has given me will not allow satisfaction on that route. Perhaps if my video card displays properly, windows explorer doesn't crash constantly, the computer shuts down when I ask it to and I don't hear digital pollution in my headphones I wouldn't miss the newer stuff. Time will tell.

Had a great night on Friday. Bowling was sub par. I actually got a decent game in the previous Thursday. I don't really enjoy bowling. I need to work on this as I am the captain of my team and therefore have a responsibility to enjoy bowling. We are now told not to buy tickets from the alley but to buy them from the organizers. This troubles me as I am beginning to think more and more that the organizers are just in it for the money. After bowling we went to Bubble and rocked out for a while. Mike, Luke and I ditched our bill (Dave paid, what a guy) and hit up the Manjitan chuar bar. Nothing beats meat on a stick in the late evening.

There has been talk of moving out en masse. By en masse I mean into a 3 bedroom place with current roommate, Luke, plus Dave. It would be the official Golden Deer clubhouse for sure. We would have to get a banner made. I have desire for a place of my own but if the apt layout was suitable it wouldn't matter. The only problem would be the productivity drain of always having people to hang out with. This would be offset by the joys of always having people to hang out with. The walk of shame would be shorter and less obvious as well. The big downside would be having to find new awesome restaurants. Oh tu do ni place! How I would miss you.

The heat was supposed to come on in res. this weekend. This has not happened in our lovely abode. Well, the bathroom radiator upstairs is kind of warm. That's a bonus. I had a taste of warmth at one of the places and it was good. Something to look forward to. I don't remember if it's colder than my apartment in Japan. Well, it's definitely not as I haven't been seeing my breath in the morning yet. I woke up on Saturday morning huddled under the covers in my clothes, however. This included my jacket and vest. The $400/month is indeed worth it.

Golden Deer had some trouble the other day. Two members unwittingly rode their bikes into the ground. Replacements are relatively easy to get but a blow to the team none the less, as our Sunday ride was disrupted. I still got Muffy out and about and decided on not fixing the gaping wound in her muffler just yet. She's almost as loud as Esmirelda, just not as throaty.

I'm starting chemistry with my gr. 10s. I have forgotten how shabby my knowledge of chemistry is. It is getting better. Perhaps I will be able to convince the majority of the students that I am knowledgeable and trustworthy. The most fun part is the whole demonstrations aspect. I've rocked out a few things so far and by golly it has been fun. Maybe too much fun. I love the lack of safety regulations and smoke detectors. Makes for entertaining classroom experiments. My gr. 11 Biology kids perhaps are having more fun this term. I'm trying to give them more things to do. This means more marking for me but seems to be working out alright so far. We did a virology thing and they had all done it before as an AIDS scare tactic. I'm trying to get them away from thinking about sex and focus more on the wonder of viruses. Ah but the mind of a teen...uhh twenty something can be hard to sway. Actually, many of my gr. 11 students are younger than my gr. 10s (like real gr. 11 ages!).

Doot doola doot doot

Golden Deer's First Ride

2008-11-01T04:23:00.000-07:00

October 26, 2008
With the absence of one member, lost to the temptation of a cheap trip on a tour bus, the remaining four members of Golden Deer set out on an epic journey. How epic? Well about as epic as a 10km total trip that took about 4 hours of their lives and countless points off of the bike’s reliability scores.

As many a good day in Jinshitan National Holiday Resort, it started with breakfast at Suzan, the local restaurant specializing in “Western” food. Owned by Suzan, once a Janitor at Maple Leaf, rescued by the valiant librarian Stan and set up with a successful restaurant business. A business that, unfortunately, due to strange health regulations requires an Asian, not a Western toilet. This! Is a problem. A problem in a place where one seeks to escape the harsh realities of Asian living in the comfortable embrace of wicker deck chairs. However, there is no escaping Asia. No Western toilet could replace that wrong sensation that accompanies all western food here. The pancakes are excellent, don’t get me wrong and I am not a pancake fan.

A pleasant rip up to the store, our one hour jaunt was already pushing 2. We bought bolts, nuts and various. They were over-priced and cheaply made. Ah China. Where one must leave the country to find the quality ingredients made in said country. You don’t go to China to drink Canadian beer. Why go to Canada to get good Made in China?
My laptop. I am unhappy with it. My students tell me it is because it was made in China. My last laptop, purchased in Canada was great. It was made in China. I try to tell them this. They don’t understand. Or is it me? I’m too old.

We headed out towards the expensive golf course. 200 dollars a game. By the end of the year perhaps it will be 300. Why is it that every time I leave Canada the dollar goes to shit? I’ll have to survive on my 12000rmb for the rest of the year. I bet people who paid their yearly rent a few months ago are quite pleased now. Vacations are going to be expensive.

Back to the action. At the view point, photos were taken, bikes were fixed. The hills to the point are quite impressive and the poor little bikes require a little manpower to keep going. Off we headed. Destination gas. My muffler fell apart. Again. And a few more times during the trip. I suppose sometimes bikes feel a need to name themselves. Muffy. Sweet Muffy. She is also missing an engine bolt. She’ll get drilled and fitted with a sturdier bolt. Modification #1. More to follow. Success as well.

Captain’s horse threw a chain, Zabadoo’s arteries were old, feeble and gave out, Bambi’s bike, the ugly duckling fraught with failure, provided nothing but smooth sailing. A calm before the storm, perhaps?

Just before 4, 6 hours later, we rolled into the apartment complex. Muffy, living up to her new found name decided to come apart as I was on my way back so I went by pedal power, muffler hanging on by the last few threads. These bikes are harder to pedal than normal bikes as the engine stays partially engaged.

Home and a trip to KaiFaQu. Istill need to pick up my suit. Hopefully it looks decent in the end. There were some problems. I missed my pickup date, though. Halloween was last night. I was the Monarch. More to come on that.

Pictures can be found here

2008-10-14T08:05:00.000-07:00

Costume. In the land of the cheap labour, cheap items and cheap food I have decided, for the first time, to buy a halloween costume. Buy may be the wrong word. I decided to go to a tailor, picture in hand. "I want this." The girl, she did not flinch. "Okay. We must find the fabric." And thus it began. One will be a German. One will be Tom Jones. One will be a Wookie. I? Well you'll just have to wait for the pictures, people far away. Most people here have no clue who it is when I tell them. Matek. You'll know. Oh. You'll know. Perhaps I have said too much. 100 dollars Canadian is all you need for the, hopefully, greatest costume known to man. Oh god. I really want to tell you. But I can't. It's a surprise. I try it on in 2 weeks. I can't wait. This is going to be better than Zorak. But not better than Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak combined. Shame.

Cheating. Students. Zeros. I cheated a few times. Can I blame them? Is it immoral for me, one who has cheated, to punish the cheaters? I didn't get caught. They must hone their craft.

Ate some donkey tonight. It was pretty good. Ate some mashed potato, leek, cilantro, raw egg and brown sauce as well. It would have been wonderful if not for Dave's overt use of hot pepper flakes. It was still pretty good and served well as a cleanser of my clogged nose. My nose has been clogged recently. Perhaps since I stayed up all night in the seedy bars of Kaifaqu with Dave...again. We sampled many and were not alone but we did hold out the longest. The night started with bowling. A bit of Lebowski before that. Our team was pretty bad. We weren't too focussed on the game. We are the Nihilists. We got some pretty good pizza, then partied at Brent's place, then hit some bar, then hit some other bar and...it all blends into one until we ended up with breakfast at Eddy's at 8am.

Last weekend was host to a Thanksgiving feast at Discovery Land. This feast consisted of some decent turkey. Decent being the key word. It also consisted of some terrible-assed food. When one must pay 100 yuan for a meal in China it better be good. This was not. What did I enjoy at said meal? There was an acceptable salad bar. Eddy apparently failed as well. I doubt his credentials as a chef trained in Canada. His pizza is bad, his breakfast was okay but the bread seems good.

Played my first real game of Ultimate Frisbee on Sunday. Then I played my second. Both were fun. I did a few things very well and others not so well. Got to put my new shoes to the test. Some fancy Reebok trainers that I got for half price at the local shoe store here. On sale in China. Never thought I'd see the day. Sometimes it's surprising to be here.

Golden Deer went to pick up the Jinlu plus motor after the games. They were not ready. We will return Saturday morning and start the process of riding. Dave has had his bike for just over 2 weeks. It has been running for perhaps just over 3 hours of those 2 weeks. This rally will be quite the challenge. The craftsmanship isn't really much to write a blog about. That's all part of the fun, however.

Computers, Friends and Massages

2008-10-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I have just returned from Shanghai. Boy was it fun. I went with my good friends Brent, Luke and Trevor. We had a super time. I'll tell you more about it later. I've got one thing of note to speak to you about, well three things actually. Massages are the one I will start with.

I'm not sure I get massages. On this vacation I received many. Did I enjoy them? I don't know. It is almost as though the massage is not a pleasurable thing. The first one, for example I had this crazed woman putting me in a half nelson and ripping me back and forth until I cracked. Then she made me grab her wrists as she planted her feet on my back and pulled. These two things were the least painful. I'm not sure I enjoy having thumbs and fingers and elbows rammed into my muscles to the point where I tense up and pull away. I suppose my main problem is I don't really know how to ask for a gentler massage. My secondary problem is that I don't want to due to the fact that she or my massagemates might think I am less a man. Tertiarily I don't know what a massage is.

Are they supposed to hurt? Is this something you get used to? Do I just keep taking the pain and then one day I unleash myself upon a world of massage pleasure that is unknown to people who partake in relaxing, pain-free massages? Do I put off the vibe of "hey, hurt the hell out of me. I won't tell you not to and you can laugh at me when I squirm." The last one strikes me most true at the moment.

The only time I actually requested that the pain stop was during massage number 2 when these wet nap things were put on my knees. My knees were then wrapped with cellophane. At first it was fine. And then the burning started. No problem, I thought. I'm sure it's nothing. The burning continued and it became sharper. Hold out! You can do it. My mind screamed. Holy shit. This needs to stop. Oh god. Why does it burn? I started to get really worried that my skin was melting and that I'd be permanently scarred for the rest of my life...and then she bent my knee. Relief for 2 seconds and then it came back with a vengeance. I swear tears were welling in my eyes. I know, Diary, you are saying "why didn't you say something?" I did. I even tried to rip it off feebly. My good friends laughed and told her I wanted them left on. Well Luke didn't as he, like me, doesn't speak. When the things were removed, it stopped. My legs were red and hot but no bubbling, bursting blisters or chapped flesh. Perhaps to mimic the sensation one could pick their nose after dicing jalapeno peppers. I don't know how to make it stop, though.

Massage number 3 was better but still caused worry. The lady seemed to like me a lot. I actually was the cause of a good 5 minute laugh to the point of tears in the lobby. She wasn't out for blood but she still worked me over. The point of worry was when she cracked my neck. I really don't like giving control over to someone whom...well, someone. Someone grabbing my head and giving it a twi, twis, TWIST! doesn't really tickle my fancy. I imagine it's like Steven Segal telling some damn terrorist to relax so that he can break his neck and carry on his one man mission of good. I don't want to die or become paralyzed in a massage place.

I am going to go back to the massage place covered by my medical plan (mmmmmhmmmm). Maybe it's because they are dudes. Maybe it's a dude thing. Like, hey man, you don't need the pain. Let's just relax and I'll massage your feet, shoulders and arms. Maybe I'll go there and feel ripped off now that I've been exposed to the dominatrices (is that really the plural of dominatrix? I just guessed) of muscular prodding. Perhaps I'll miss the fear of death, the fear of blistered skin, the fear of pain. I doubt it.

Friends. I've made a Chinese friend. He sold me the router that I'm using to internet wirelessly on. It's decent so far. I think it might be a piece of crap eventually. He is very excited and wants to invite me over for dinner. His wife is very good at ironing and cooking. Definitely stoked on that. I'll be sure to bring my wrinkly shirts. His last name is Weng.

Computers. My monitor is screwed. I have a 3 inch vertical bar down the middle. It's more annoying than anything I've encountered on a monitor this far. I think it can be fixed but I need a replacement. I have been thinking of buying a smaller, lighter notebook and I was going to today. I couldn't access my money, though. Pain in the ass this lost bank card is. I reached my limit of 2500 rmb/day on my foreign card. In 2 days I'll have enough to buy the new laptop. It's a bit pricey but I talked the guy down in the price and got 2 extra gigs of ram. I think I'm still getting taken but mostly because there are better deals in Canada. If only I had known...

Ta ta for now

Mmmmmm Hmmmmm

2008-09-25T18:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I leave for Shanghai. It's been an arduous 4 weeks but I've managed to survive my way to my first vacation.

Last night I got my hair cut and shampooed for 10 ($1.50) yuan, my house cleaned, my clothes washed and hung, bed made and dishes washed for 40 ($6) yuan (split with my roommate). I have a roommate. Luke. Good guy. She didn't empty the upstairs bathroom garbage, though. A little pissed.

Lost my bank card. Annoying. You can't withdraw money in China without a bank card or a bank book. Turns out the school didn't get us bank books. I've got 12000 yuan burning a hole in my account. Waiting for some nefarious person to find my card and crack the PIN. PINs are 6 numbers over here at the bank of China if you are wondering about such trivialities.

Shanghai's going to be a trip of not very much money spending. I did want to get a computer, an audio recorder, a turntable, a power cord for my Wii (Nintendo gave me a faulty one - pricks. Did you know that the DS doesn't have a universal power adapter either? Pricks.) Maybe I'll hook up some money channels. People here are saying they can toss money my way but I'm not too excited about carrying around enough cash to buy all this crap the whole time. Maybe I'll get my parents to put money in my CIBC account so that I can withdraw from that. Ahhh, it's good to rely on the parents.

There's that whole milk poisoning thing going on. I never drink milk but I've been eating yogurt. I plan on eating enough yogurt in small doses every day so that I can Dread Pirate Roberts someone with some melamine.

Sports day today. Opening ceremonies a little lackluster. Lots of marching and flag waving. Not close to the spectacle of sports day in Japan, though. There was running with flags. I love me some running with flags and the Maple Leaf School flag is way bigger than the Uozu Kougyou one. I suppose these kids don't "get" to practice cheering every day of the summer. I got to march in the teacher's group after I found out there was a teachers group and joined in from the sidelines. We sang the Maple Leaf song. I think it's better than the Uozu Kougyou song...actually it's probably just as good. It's really bad. I hope to get a recording once I have a decent setup. Blend the best of our nations. That's the spirit of Maple Leaf.

The cafeteria at our school: it's set up to feed 2400 students or more, however many are here. Four floors of food, About 30 different eateries around the outside serving local delecacies from all over China and one from Korea. They kind of all serve the same thing save for different sauces in the top two floors. There are grills and noodles in the bottom two as well as poor quality versions of upstairs food. It's all pretty much pretty good. As far as price, it ranges from 7 yuan ($1) for 2 veg, 1 meat servings on rice upwards of 20 yuan if you go to Korea. Korea is mostly miss from the trays but has great stuff from the back.

It's best to get there just before lunch because the food is not cold and there aren't any Asian gangs. I've noticed a lot of Asian gangs over here. Everywhere I look. Old white ladies waiting for buses wouldn't survive very long over here.

I got foot massaged for the second time and a little bit of ear candling thrown in. Got my ears all nice and cleaned out. They had mad amounts of wax. I credit my closed circumaural cans for that. I won 10 yuan from Dave on my waxy ears. I then gave it to Dana to pay part of her massage. I get 500 US dollars of "alternative" treatments as part of my health care. I can get more than one massage a week for that. Not too bad. I want to go for the facial beauty massage but may need to shave.

I suppose I'll write some tests now

Golfing Pictures

2008-09-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

Golf and Depression

2008-09-21T03:54:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhh golfing. A gentleman’s game. The sport of CEOs, kings and, now, team Golden Deer.

It was early in the morning when I awoke to disappointment. Once again I had soiled myself and the maid wouldn’t be coming until Thursday. “Damn,” thought I. “I’ll have to sleep in this shit for the rest of the week.” It was also raining. Why was this unsettling? It was golf day. Eventually, the rain stopped and I put some tissue paper over the stain. My life was once again looking bright.
Our team had quite a good showing its first official venture out in the world. Dave went out of his way on Friday to get the team uniforms. ML staff have an annual golf tournament at the course just down the road. After spending the day wailing balls and drinking brews I fully understand how people, like my cousin Sue, come to spend their whole lives on a course.

We had rolled in incognito for added effect and were slightly nervous about our attire and the reaction of our superiors. However, on the first hole, when we suited up, all our worries were shed. The principal of the school started walking towards us. We were worried. He then broke into a trot, camera in hand, to capture the magic that was Golden Deer. Our caddie, a lovely young lady whose name escapes me, was also quite happy to take team photos and comment on my ass. She said it was a beautiful ass by the way. Yes. It is.

Our first three holes were spectacular. We were shooting 2 over par due mostly to the skills of our ringers, Mike and Kris. After those holes we tended to hover around bogey or double bogey and we stopped remembering. Something about the drinking of beer, taking pisses in full rugby squat, spraying beer at each other, slapping asses, posing for photos and running through sprinklers took over from the actual sport.

We hit up Dalian afterwards for some Indian food and a rock concert. The band was very decent. I was impressed. They were playing Hopscotch and we rocked out with full glow stick authority. I even did a bit of pogo-ing and didn’t manage to raise the ire of Anthony Kedis nor did I step on too many toes. Fooseball was played, billiard balls were sunk, hooka was had and dice were clattered. After my mouth started to burn, and most had moved on. Dave and I decided to hit KaiFaQu for some more fun. Chuar was not available and so we paid the sad middle aged hostess at Ruby a visit. She was happy to see us and seemed to think Dave had brushed her teeth on one occasion. More foose happened and the night dragged on. We met some Italian dudes and drank lots of drinks. At one point I saw the dreaded wine come out.

I recall something, don’t know from where, about wine and hostess bars. Something about prostitution. Anyway, more importantly wine is not sold by the glass. It’s a bit pricey. They got really annoying at one point trying to get another bottle of wine on the table and pouring themselves lots of drinks they seemed to pour down the sink. Somehow we had managed to waste about 2 hours of our lives when it started to get ugly…and 900 yuan in the end. I went out to get cash and escape. When I got to the bank, I found that my card was gone. I don’t know where it is and have never lost a bank card before. I had to return to the place in shame and send Dave out to get cash. It was at this point when I experienced the saddest moment of my life. It was mostly empathetic sadness, but sadness none the less.

The middle aged hostess bar ladies I hung out with in Japan were awesome. They owned their bar, were hilarious and had style. The one here is another story. It’s got seedy photos on the wall, horrible music on loop…like this awful song about John Travolta. I kind of want it because it’s almost great due to its awfulity. It goes something like “John Travoltaaaaaaaa dance dance dance.” Correction: it’s awesome. I think the prostitution aspect of hostess bars in Japan was…less prominent. Perhaps it was just that one place. Ahhhh I remember when they made a birthday cake for Jer out of mini ice cream treats. For free. That would never happen at this place, this…Ru By Bar. I think it’s supposed to be Ruby.

On with the story…Dave went out on a cash mission and the lady came over to sit beside me at the bar. On the bar stool. The tall bar stool. She took another drink which caused her whole stool to tilt backwards. All the way. This caused her head to bounce off the floor. This caused her to start wailing. After the bar maid, Sasha, and I had helped her up she required a smoke. As she attempted to smoke it she dropped it on the floor and started to go for it. I held her upright long enough for Sasha to get her a new smoke and ultimately managed to convince her to the stability of a bed-type thing. The silence that followed was home to the saddest moment of my life. I thought about the lady and her life and I pondered my own “what in the hell am I doing at this shitty place? Why is this shitty music playing? Why did I pay for this (well actually I didn’t – thanks Dave)?”After what seemed like an hour, Sasha asked me where I was from. She had asked many times but the simplistic conversation brought the world back into focus.

The night ended with us having a short conversation using her electronic dictionary about nothing. She claimed to really enjoy the music and reaffirmed this by moving her arms in ways that hinted at rhythm. I didn’t believe her. Dave returned. We left. Never again. But then, it was the only bar open at 3:45am…

Socks!

2008-01-24T20:29:00.000-08:00

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